I was having a discussion this weekend with a bird and we got round to talking about going for a shit, as you do, when all over conversation fails.
Anyway she appeared mortified when I told her that I wipe my arse standing up. She said that she wipes her arse seated on the toilet.

So I was wondering is it a male and female thing?
Or am I alone in wiping my arse standing up?

And anyone else with the larger glutius maximus will also understand the sit down and fidget to wider the gap as it were.

I've always used the seated method, but tried the standing method both yesterday and today for comparison purposes, much to my disappointment. Not only is it awkward but my fingers went straight through the paper on both occasions, resulting in a middle finger which I imagine is not to dissimilar to that of a paedophile after a sneaky insertion.

SEE DON!!!! I told you I'm not the only one that does that.

Or you can do it like a piano playes adjusts his tails

I actually pull my arse cheeks apart as far as possible.

Me too!

Wait - Then how the FUCK do you get so much shit on you/your pants?

You get a lot less cheek smears if you pull them apart.

Another tip, wipe with a wet wipe first; it will make it just slide out like a figure skater across ice and will require a maximum of 1 wipe afterwards.

See, I wipe dry, then wet, then dry again.

wet first makes it smudge, and you have to dry after wet or it feels like you've got bean juice and there's a risk of chaffing.

I mean, wet wipe before you even drop the kids off at the pool.

There's so much to wipe, I end up getting bored and give up.

I cant believe I just read 5 pages of this.

Thats a wank you spak. But I getcha - might give that a go!

Not where I come from, same as 'drown the triplets' etc.

it might change your life if magnum is right.

or at least the part of your life that involves wiping your anus.

Shitting is one of life's pleasures and should be discussed at length.

Does anyone have any amusing shitting stories? Have you ever finished a massive, messy turd only to find there's no loo roll and by poor luck you'd emptied your wallet of receipts earlier that day? What implements have you used to manhandle a stubborn turd round the bend?

(I've got a few tales but I want to see what the boundaries are before I start telling them).

I honestly don't believe that any of you wipe standing up OR inspect the toilet roll after you wipe.

This is just some stupid game you lot came up with in Team Cunt to get us normal people to try standing up and looking at shitty bits of bog roll.




I may still give it a go though

You only do that because you love to shoot it all out so it goes all over the bowl like a bomb. Odd.

WHAT?! I swear I inspect. It's not normal not too. How else to you know your ring is shiny and clean John?

Remember to give it a lick as well to check you don't have an iron deficiency.