why is it that every morning, i get off my "commuter" train and i know full well that as soon as i get down the stairs i have to put my ticket in the machine to open the barriers. even as a fat bloke, i manage to find my ticket that may have been buried or lost in one of my many layers (of clothing that is) before i reach the bottom of the stairs.

why then, is it so difficult, for so many people who have to go through the same procedure every day, to not be able to get their ticket out before they get to the fucking machine, and then spend 5 minutes holding people up whilst they look for it.

cnuts.

And when you say "excuse me" to get to the barrier with your ticket that you have in your hand, they get REALLY upitty about it as if you're pushing in. Twats.

and, why is it that tourists have so much trouble working out that a green arrow means "you can go through this gate", but that a red cross means "try another gate to get through, you moron"?

so they stand blocking one's exit (in a non-sexual sense) ... and when you give them to understand - by word and gesture - that they're in the way, they start giving you a look as if to say "can't you see i'm a tourist? i demand special treatment"

i understand that they may not be fully au fait with the system of oyster cards and the like, but they have a system of green-for-go and red-for-stop across most of the developed world.

fully au fait with the system of oyster

Talking of which, the way to use your Oyster is:

1) Place card on pad
2) Light goes green
3) Take off pad
4) Walk

It is NOT:

1) Place card on pad
2) Rub up and down repeatedly on pad
3) Ignore red lights indicating unreadability of rapidly moving card
4) Keep rubbing it wondering why it doesn't work

And, my biggest annoyance, it is most definitely NOT:

1) Place card on pad
2) Light goes green
3) Start walking through gate with arm stretched backwards and card still on pad
4) Light goes red because it thinks you're the next person presenting an invalid card
5) Remove card and arm and walk off
6) Next person stands there like a mong for 5 seconds while the system resets itself
7) Next person gets shouted at by the people behind you who think you're a mong for not putting your card on the reader even though it'll get confused again if you do.

On the subject of the Tube. People that stop at (or near) the bottom of the escalator. Yes, I know you have a suitcase / pram / musical instrument, but stopping at the bottom of the escalator to sort it out will force me to barge you out the way, or I'll fall over and look like a twat.

So don't fucking give me that evil when you're the one at fault!

The user that posted this comment has been banned from DontStayIn. To view the message, click here at your own risk.

As a northerner we don't suffer the perils of public transport as, basically, there isn't any. However the problem you mention is exactly the one I have when behind some people in the checkout process at the supermarket...

...all the various things get scanned through and it's all neatly packed away in a bagging system that would baffle most graduates of chaos theory, and then she stands there while the checkout person finishes off what she's doing...

"...that'll be £23.54 please..."

This is followed by an infuriating 3 or 4 second pause and impersonation of a statue as the penny drops that you have to pay for things in shops and then we enter into a quest for the holy grail while she (and it normally is a Mumsy style person to be fair) rummages around in a bag that could easily accomodate the solar system looking for her purse.

Why not have a rough idea of how much it costs in your head and pull out £30 from your pocket? Or is that too difficult love?

And that's another thing - why have such a confusing bag thing in the first place instead of using the pockets in your trousers...[repeat similar rants to fade]

I think we should all live in one place, where our wallets and tickets are in our hands and everyone else should fuck off. Basically.

slight deviation, but why the fuck do people initiate mobile phone calls just before theyre about to get in a lift, knowing full well that they will either have to hold the doors, or lose connection as soon as they close. pricks

It's worse than that for me - the apartment I live in has lifts where phones work inside the lift... so you are sometimes forced to endure the laughably pointless conversations about nothing - "oh yes, oh yes, oh of course, yes you MUST tell Victoria and Jeremy [there's always a twatty Victoria and Jeremy out there]... oh they'll love it, yes they just bought some property out there as well, oh yes... I agree, yes FULL laminate flooring" - and all just two feet behind your ear.

I close my eyes and imagine my hands silently closing around their neck. Not that I advocate murder on a regular basis you understand, but any judge in Christendom would surely give you the thumbs up for such a public service.

Like it says in my local newsagent on a sign above the checkout in good Yorkshire spelling (i.e. written in crayon) - "If you are on your mobile phone whilst buying something DO NOT expect to be served".

slight deviation

*but a fun one. *Exhale*

slight deviation, but why the fuck do people initiate mobile phone calls just before theyre about to get in a lift, knowing full well that they will either have to hold the doors, or lose connection as soon as they close. pricks

I do that when I want to an excuse to end the phone call early.

When I worked in a lift based office I used to love taking the lift to other floors before I went for a morning shite so there was always a good chance I could let off a foul stench of gas either as a present for the next lift user or the current users.

small pleasures eh