Greetings people I cant talk for long, I think someone is running a trace on my internet connection. For the past six months I have been working in Russia trying to uncover the illegal trade of forbidden toilet rolls within the Kremlin. Unfortunately my cover was blown when one of the security guards heard me singing the spice girls.

Luckily I managed to escape, but by this time the KGB were onto me. I returned to my hotel room to find my colleague sellotaped to the ceiling. The only option left for me was to dig a big hole for myself and live underground.

After nearly two weeks of starvation, I re-surfaced and made my escape. I managed to hide on board a cattle train which was destined for North Vietnam. However, on arrival at the station I found myself once again being tracked by the KGB. I managed to evade them and stopped for a rest in an internet cafe, where I am now writing this.

I had trouble logging on because I am not fluent in Vietnamese. Shit, they're coming back this way. I must go.

I've posted 488 comments, 161 live chat messages, and I've been spotted 206 times.