I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook five-minute microwave meals in two minutes. I am an expert in lego, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Royal Ballet and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my back garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured Hampshire with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration and my deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can throw tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for MI5. I sleep once a week and when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only muesli and a toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving championships in Sri Lanka, and spelling competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.

Hi, nice to meet you...

BEST MUSICIAN IN THE WORLD - FACT!

I've posted 444 comments, I've not posted in the live-chat yet, and I've been spotted 12 times.