Former Utah Saint, Dopesmuggla, Home resident and NastyDirtySexMusic purveyor, Tim Sheridan is finally bringing his acclaimed VeryVeryWrongIndeed parties back to London after a lengthy hiatus. December 1st is the date, in a seceret warehouse location, and in celebration of this return, we invited DSI's readers to direct some burning questions at Tim himself. Here are the results!

Dear Tim - If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff? [nikki-gordon]

Well far be it from me to patronise but it's very simple school physics. It relates to matter, density, volume and in the case of impact... velocity. In everyday terms imagine a full can of fizzy pop and an empty one. The empty can is less dense and the full can has less unused volume containing more mass. The black box is not made of magic material - it is merely small, dense and designed for 2 purposes only. To record and survive, a feeling that I assure you is fully mutual in my case. An aeroplane has literally hundreds of functions. The more functions or complex a system, the harder it is to defend effectively. From the fizzy drinks you guzzle to the movies you slumber through to the very air you breathe... on a plane it is a very complex system but the simple answer to this is :

The plane is, like a lot of things, 90% air. Basically a big, thin, empty tin can of air shooting through the sky. If the plane was designed like the Black Box recorder it would barely move on wheels let alone fly.

Did you know that the reason they banned smoking on planes was economic? If you are on a plane with a percentage of smokers they used pump in a lot more fresh air and remove the polluted air. Now they recycle the air almost permanently to save money and that is why you nearly always get a cold or flu on flights and the SARS virus spread worldwide so fast. Medically it is far more healthy to be on a plane of smokers. Fact.

Dear Tim Why do you hide behind a beard?? [nicky-fingers]

When one ASSUMES you make an ASS out of U and ME both. You are assuming I'm hiding. You are also assuming I'm currently sporting. Also maybe I don't really care what I look like all that much? The beard and moustaches come and go almost monthly. Presently I am a clean shaven youth of alarming attractiveness. The greatest men (and some women) of history all had beards. If they were all “hiding” there would be no science to speak of, technology and regrettably religion. Or Geography teachers. Or pretty much anything. All the Beatles had beards quite often. Frank Zappa. Geoff Capes. Darwin. Dali. In the world of Film there is Martin Scorsese, Stephen Spielberg and Francis Ford Coppola. Recently Peter Jackson of The Lord of The Rings fame. I could go on all day. The question is, why do you feel the pressure to scrape at and cut off something every day that is as natural as your legs or head? A lot of beards come about because the person in question may have more on their mind than what other people think they look like, like the origin of the species perhaps. There is nothing peculiar about beards. They are usually a sign of total fearlessness in the face of the idiocracy of modern peer pressure. Beardies aren't weirdies. YOU are.

Which 3 people, dead or alive would you like to have dinner with? [JohnB-DSI]

Woo could be a long table. Really? I'd have to choose carefully. Any serious host for dinner chooses and places guests with the utmost care. 3 is a bad number (officially) [that makes 4 with yourself Tim! – Ed] for dining. At least an equal number of women and men should attend. Much like a classroom, a male dominated room degenerates in chaos or stupidity pretty sharpish. You can't have too many wits or egos as they tend to clash. A delicate balance of wit and seriousness and artistic know-how must be attended to in as considered a manner as the menu.

I'd have Winston Churchill as he was both incredibly funny and serious in one chubby package. Germaine Greer always grates on me but that's because she's great value and would disagree with everything on principal. If she was unavailable, Julie Burchill does a similar job but would eat more. Groucho Marx or Woody Allen are good. I'm not a fan of Americans but when they are good they are really very good. Richard Burton or Oliver Reed would give great table, and probably spice things up a bit later when arseholed. I'd invite Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse to show them how compared to the other guests what being a wit and a star is all about... I imagine they'd run out crying after about 5 mins with Winston Churchill or Richard Burton. Silly bints.

Jo Brand is brilliant, defo. Stephen Fry too if we are on that tip because while being a wit and a wag he's also a gent and would probably let people talk, as well as chip in himself. On that tip Howard Marks is a great listener and conversationalist. Sean Ryder is a very clever bloke although he might get a bit unruly with all the toffs. Tamsin Grieg you may vaguely know as the comic actor who was the woman from the comedy TV thing "Black Books" and I think "the Green Wing' (but I've not seen that yet), she's my ex and a very funny, clever person and it'd be interesting for me to have an ex that I like in there. I'd invite a lady to accompany me naturally, although that would be extremely undetermined as yet. Will Self I reckon too.

My Dad is brilliant and would take it all in his stride and give it some earthy scientific reality, and a gag or two. Hunter.S. Thompson would provide some real spark. The writer Dorothy Parker was funny as fuck and a raging boozer and feminist. Truman Capote was one of the greatest in terms of dinner guests, you couldn't have a party in New York in the post war years without Truman. I love Charles Bukowski, my total hero, but he'd sit sullenly drinking until eventually he'd hit someone and leave. Alan Moore the writer is a White Witch, King of all Graphic novels and wrote the original books that 'V for Vendetta' and 'From Hell' and 'Watchmen' were bastardised from into movies, he's a must. Another hero.

Frank Zappa? Love Uncle Frank although not sure if he was a social animal. Oscar Wilde is a bit obvious, so Stephen Fry would have to sit in, like I mentioned earlier. Ernest Hemingway? Another great American writer and boozer who'd be good value. I'd love to chat to Sir George Martin, The Beatles were brilliant but he was the man I have questions for. Keith Richards for sure. Michael Caine's a dude isn't he? A must. Honor Blackman is just such a foxy old bird I could listen to her read the telephone directory her voice is so syrupy. Brian Eno interests me immensely. Diana Rigg is another grand old dame. I'd like to think of some modern younger foxy ladies who could hold their own in such company but I'm having trouble on that one. Sorry, not being sexist just having a bit of a blank. Maybe any girl who knows who these people are would qualify? Definitely if they liked them all. Oh yeah, Douglas Adams who wrote "the Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy" would be a must. I love Sir Patrick Moore and English eccentrics. Vivian Stanshall from the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Definitely Bowie. GOT to have Bowie.

So.... Peter O' Toole and Leslie Phillips... have you seen the recent film 'Venus' with them both in it? amazing. Best thing I've seen in years. I'd invite Stuart Copeland the drummer from the Police and Maurice White from Earth, Wind and Fire. Yeah! Heroes. Chet Baker, the jazz trumpeter and singer. Marvin Gaye, yeah for sure. I have only a couple of proper friends but they would definitely more than hold their own. My two top chums Lord Faversham (yes, he's a real Lord, owns the venue Back to Basics is in, in Leeds) and Chico. Mr. C and Jon Carter are the only real mates I have in the business. They'd fit right in. Fucking hell...3?! Banquet in Heaven more like. Jimi Hendrix. Janis Joplin. Queen Elizabeth I. Rosa Parks.

Oh definitely Laurel and Hardy, God I wish Heaven existed just so I could thank those two. And Morecambe and Wise. Tommy Cooper! Yes please. But maybe him and Eric Sykes as waiters. And I think I'd base the menu on when the Prussians surrounded Paris and the rich Parisians had to eat the animals from the Zoo at restaurants. You should see the menus from that period. "Haunch of Wolf" and "Brulee of Salamander". And you could make the food caged by inflating a balloon and making criss-cross caramel lines over it and then when it hardens deflate the balloon. Instant edible cage! And the cruets would be on a train set that went slowly round the table....

I'll stop now. I need to go to the fridge....

Where’s the highest place you've ever been? [JohnB-DSI]

Figuratively or actually? In reality I did some parachuting so my first freefall was about 15,000FT but my first static line was only about 9 or 10,000. Long time ago. Altimeters used to be less accurate in those days and I have some advice about going into the North Sea at night when you can't see where you are landing and the altimeter is only loosely accurate. Let's just say you get a nasty cold shock with no warning. In the other sense probably some years ago in Ibiza on a week long bender with a dwindling ensemble of mates, hangers on and freaks. I was so out of it they couldn't hack it after day 5 and I ended up on my own in the shape of a swastika on the floor of the shower in the Manumission Motel dreaming I had ants on my face. When I opened my eyes the shower was on full in my face. I'd been like that for at least 10 hours. Lucky I didn't drown. I was like a raisin. I got very VERY sideways on acid in Tokyo. I started walking in a straight line from Shinjuku right out of the city centre aiming for Mount Fuji. Walking through people's gardens and hedge hopping and shit. Got up to a spa in the foothills and train station about 20 miles out. Bullet train appeared by acid magic and took me almost straight back to the hotel. Very high on that trip. Very weird.

Do you believe in ghosts?

No. I'm a man of science I don't believe in ghosts, ghoulies, tooth fairies, Satan, Santa, Goblins, Viking Gods, holy goats, Pixies, Warlocks or fat blokes called Buddha. I'm not one of Jesus' special little helpers, although I have to say, I like his work. Although... thinking about it my best mate Lord Roger is so pale he is practically see-through and if the sun gets behind him you can see his skeleton and veins. He haunts his stately home, although he's yet to die.

What's the best food you have ever eaten? [JohnB-DSI]

I'm not the world's biggest gastronaut. I find the current UK obsession with food a bit pornographic when there are people starving. I had some of the best food in Malaysia, on a filthy street with plastic chairs and hundreds of temporary stalls selling all kinds of amazing shit. Some proper sushi in Japan was beyond my senses - it's so delicate. I've ruined my palate with fags and booze so I'm not the best judge or the most bothered to be brutally frank. Sunday dinner when you've walked ten miles up the Yorkshire Dales is pretty damn good. Any food when you are proper starving is gooood.

Have you ever been attacked by a wild animal? [JohnB-DSI – that’ll do thanks John!]

Been out with a few that went a bit wrong on me. I had to kill and prepare a rabbit in the army and I didn't like it. Killing it I mean. It was pretty fucking tasty if you haven't eaten for 24 hours though. I've had a couple of Medusa on me in the sea. Nasty. A neighbour's two bulldogs attacked me as a kid but I kicked one in the nuts so hard it attacked the other one before it got a good mouthful of me. I had a fairly rare African parasite in my colon for a bit which wasn't pleasant. The word has got round most of the Ibiza mosquitoes that I'm deadly toxic. Never so much as a nibble. I was once rather startled by an albino peacock leaping out from a shrubbery. That's about it. I love animals big time. I don't fear them and that counts for a lot. Like Police and bees they can smell your fear.

What are the secret 11 spices in the KFC chicken? [nikki-gordon]

It's a secret because if you knew you'd never go near it again. The title of William Burrough's 'The Naked Lunch' refers to the moment you actually look at what's on the end of your fork. Little known fact, literature fans.

I'm organic as humanly possible with food and drink. I even smoke organic fags. I wouldn't eat a KFC if the imaginary Colonel himself came to my kitchen and showed me. It amuses and worries me in equal parts that as a society in the west we are borderline malnourished but simultaneously fat as fuck. How's that for irony. We are so mentally deranged there is such a thing as 'comfort food'. Comfort from what? All the fucking comfort you have to put up with!

Should I buy a kitten for Sophia for Christmas? [JohnB-DSI ….come on now John…]

Well, luckily the doctor is 'in'. Psychologically you are at the "Kitten, Marriage or Flee" stage in a relationship. A cat is training for kids subconsciously in couples. It's a good test to try but remember a life is at stake even if it's a pretty basic one. Ibiza’s feral cats are ace because you get all the fun (what there is) of a cat but you can forget about it for months. They latch onto you to feed them and even allow a bit of contact but have all the skills to feed themselves indefinitely. I'm not a cat person so I'm not a great judge but I do know there may be undercurrents to your dilemma unconnected to cats. Certainly you aren't making it a surprise, so that says more than anything about the level of consideration you are giving it. It's a commitment. Also a living thing. Two heavy things dude. Ponder well my son. Maybe if a cat was her destiny she'd already have some? If I was as lucky as you I'd prefer all that attention and petting in my own direction. That's the selfish answer.

Who smoked the most weed in the Dope Smugglaz, and how much did they do? [BiG-D]

The actual music was myself and Keith Binner in the studio so there was really just the two of us although as a live act we were 12. Boots, who was am American rapper we used... well he smoked a lot. But it was daily in the studio, mainly by Keith initially although eventually I just joined in by force of proximity. I swam every day though, which clears your head a fair bit. I learned a lot that operating machinery and psychedelic depressants don't go together. It made our album extremely textured and detailed but overall I forgot to write many actual songs. Sounds great though dude. Yeah...

What do you think of the pedestrianisation of Norwich City Centre? [JohnB-DSI…again]

I'm all for it. I'm not kidding the best gig I ever played in the UK that came close to an Ibiza vibe was at a place in the middle of the pedestrianised centre called ‘Henry's’ and it was a lovely courtyard with a temporary marquee cover (pissing with rain) and about 1000 nutters doing the best impersonation of DC10 I've ever seen or played at in England. Called ‘Somewhere’ run by Ricky Cox. Ace.

So in general ; Yeah. Good, sound city planning to preserve historical Norwich and provide ace courtyards for raves. Depollutes the CBD and aids local economic growth through improved retail. Gets a few more fatties walking too, which can't be bad.

How about what's the worst time you've ever had getting to a gig? [Mandy-Looo]

Oh Jesus after more than 20 years there are loads. Arriving in Buenos Aries at 5AM after a 14 hour flight with no one to collect me, no idea where hotel was and no local money....everything shut.... eventually being the only foreigner in the airport with about 20 hustlers trying to put me in dodgy cars.
Italy ; Getting in a Ferrari Enzo off at 150 miles per hour with an Italian so off his nut even I knew he was on the wrong side of the road.... and then getting into a fight with him on the roadside ‘cos I said I should drive. “No-one-a-touches-mi-Enzo...Stronza". Never question an italian's driving, it's like telling Jeremy Clarkson his opinions, while indeed popular... are popular only with people as obnoxious as he is.

But honestly, worst travel ever; England on a Sunday is pathetic. A joke trying to get from A to B on any form of transport. Trains that don't exist despite having a ticket for it, major roads closed or jammed with Sunday drivers. Trains and planes that don't start ‘til lunchtime and stop at every bumfuck town. It once took me 11 hours to get from Bristol to Leeds on a Sunday. I couldn't sleep because I had to change practically every 15 mins and it took buses and about 6 trains to do it. And being awake since Friday morning. Honestly lately I just stopped working Sundays if I have work Friday and Saturday. I'd rather be skint than get involved in paying fatcats for shit services. You can pay an 'upgrade' for first class on a weekend as you know... and end up with nothing to eat or drink for 6 hours and the toilet full of shit.... and that money goes straight into corporate bonuses and not into improving the system. And I don't drive for eco reasons. I do enough planes without driving too. The whole travel thing has degenerated into a scam. Privatisation gets my goat as you can probably tell. Yet you go to Switzerland, France, Germany or Canada and it's fucking awesome. Half the price, quadruple the quality and runs like clockwork. Even trains in India are better than the UK now. Why? Corporate greed. Nothing else. And they want people to stop driving? It's already bumper to bumper but there is no alternative. I just go into a trance when I travel now. I read a book and arrive at the other end without noticing. Mostly...

Oh yeah, the 16 year old first time promoter who picked me up with his Dad and took me to 1000 capacity hall which was full of equipment and bars and not a single punter.... the drive back with his Dad refusing my offer that I don't take the wages to make an example to his son for his folly... the lad is probably 25 now and still raking the leaves and washing his Dad's car to pay it back. That was a cringeworthy journey of Hellish proportions. I said: “Honestly, I don't need the money it was clearly a first time mistake... “ "NO! the lad has to learn. Mistakes cost money. MY money. I said I'd financially back his stupid promoter fantasy and I'm a man of my word... No! You'll get your money mate... and he'll get the back of my hand and a lesson...etc etc for 4 hours....” Some 'promoters' actually still think if they book a venue and a DJ the rest happens by magic. Noooo... there is such a thing as already having a crowd, doing posters and flyers, email lists, walking into every shop, radio, magazines....

Why have I been mistaken for you three times when I look nothing like you? [davenewt]

Because you are a very, very lucky boy. Or I've been imitating you for years...

If you had to name one event that changed your life forever - what was it and why was it so life-changing? [Kelvin]

Nearly dying does it every time. Why? you wouldn't understand, not because I'm being patronising but because it's so hard to explain. You absolutely and fully understand the urgency and fragility of everything and unless you are a complete idiot you change almost overnight into something else entirely. What you turn into depends entirely on the person. If anything I became more reckless in a way... but only because I know I could die anytime and I may as well get on with living. You could go tomorrow. Meaning you, the reader. Really, it's easier than you can possibly imagine. Aneurism. Blood vessel in the brain. Pop! No warning. Car driven by a nitwit... bad pill mixed with an undiagnosed condition...don't worry. Just don't waste time doing anything except exactly what you want.

There may not be an imaginary successful future that you are sacrificing your present for. Ever thought about that? Imagine how stupid you'd feel if you were given weeks to live and you looked back and seen you spent your short life earning money for someone who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, or playing video games for 6 hour stretches... or doing Gak on your own. In a rented cottage. In Tuscany. At Christmas... because you have more money than proper mates.

Things that change your life generally happen to you. It's up to you to decide how to interpret those and change. Really smart people change all the time without outside events forcing their hand because they control their environment and live free of fear.
Well you did ask...

If you weren't a DJ, what do you think you'd be now and why? [Kelvin]

If I was being literal I might still be in one of the jobs I had before, in theatre/TV/Film. Or a career soldier but that would never have happened really. In a more speculative way I'd say I'd more likely be a jobbing writer or still a musician of sorts which is what I do anyway, just in a different manner. I never ever felt obliged or boxed into being anything I didn't like. I'm still a bit reptilian. In that I bask where I'm happy and if the heat moves away so do I, to somewhere better. I realised a long time ago that what is expected of you and what makes you OK with yourself are very rarely the same thing. I don't exclusively seek pleasure at all (although I have a hedonistic streak, albeit dwindling somewhat with age) but I do avoid misery very well. Plus never waste a minute of time with tossers. Good advice from my Dad. I am friendliness personified most of the time but if I get a bad vibe off someone or thing... I just walk away mid sentence. Saves a lot of time but it's very rude. We don't have a lot of time on this earth and I'll gladly swap someone I couldn't give a monkey's about thinking I'm a wanker for the time I save being out of their presence. So if I wasn't a DJ I'd probably be a fairly unpopular local eccentric. But happy. I do have hermit fantasies a fair bit. Just going off and never seeing another person again (except my dog). I enjoy my own company a lot and there's a lot to be said for that.

What's the most memorable night in your DJing history and why??

God I hope playing records isn't the most memorable thing I've done but my stock answer is the UK Love Parade in Leeds. Biggest UK dance event ever. In my home town. I played the first and last record and was the only live act. Live on Radio One as well. With my family there. Big day. Although recently my birthday playing back to back with Mr C at DC10 all night was pretty fucking ace.

What's the worst thing about being a superstar DJ? [jemster]

I don't consider myself one. I'm frequently skint and work every day of the week (never had a weekend to myself in memory). I don't have many complaints, it's what I do. I used to agonise about it a bit some years ago and thought it was all a bit worthless. Opium of the masses type thing. But a friend told me I make people happy and they can have pretty shitty lives. So I stopped thinking it was worthless. Not exactly worthy either but making people forget their woes isn't such a bad thing to do.

It's more physically demanding than you can imagine in the travel and sleepless aspects. It's lonely actually because you arrive on your own and you leave on your own and you spend all week on the phone or computer on your own. Yeah I know, fucking diddums. Sometimes it's a bit alienating when you arrive and everyone is completely spannered and you are not only cold sober but exhausted and they think you are partying too... actually no I'm working! Sometimes it's like a being a plumber arriving at a loony bin. But I try to get into it a bit, so the drink and drug think is a danger. One I've overcome though.

I was once in an airport and this really loud American girl started squealing and making a big scene (she was in full “I'm on holiday” mode) while I was trying to read a newspaper to keep myself awake. Because I didn't jump for joy or perform tricks at her command she got quite snotty. I bumped into her at Es Vive about 24 hours later and she had a real go at me saying I should be “more fun for my fans” and stuff and honestly...? All I could see was this self-obsessed little princess who got everything she ever wanted on a silver platter and was throwing a tantrum ‘cos I wasn't doing what she wanted. Things like that get my goat big time. I'm just someone who plays records not fucking Madonna. You get to some gigs and younger promoters are like running around trying to do stuff because the week before some fat overpriced yank DJ had them change the hotel 'cos the room was the wrong temperature (true) and you have to pull them aside and tell them I'm a grown up and can get taxis, feed myself and keep myself entertained for a couple of hours. I don't need a minder, nurse, prostitute or butler. Just Private Eye or the Guardian and a place to read them. I think it's pretty lame to moan about your job. If you don't like it don't do it. Or change it. I walked away from 2 of the biggest DJ agencies in the world because they were sending me to weird places, 11 hour flights away playing to millionaires while people outside the venue were literally dying. The Superstar thing is not what I do. I do my own thing. I throw a few parties, often free ones, I make and play records that I like. That's all I do. Anyone who actually wants to be a 'star' is mentally deranged. And I say that from meeting a lot of them of many types over many years.

Another odd thing is people are sometimes convinced I'm rich. Which is mental. A lad in Basics said I should buy him a drink ‘cos I'm so loaded and I asked what he did and he was a glazier on about 1,200 quid a week after tax and I was like, you earn more than I do son. And you get weekends off. You buy ME a fucking drink! There was some money in this game pre-millennium but not anymore. I guess it's the assumptions. People approach you, never met them in my life, but 'cos of magazines and the net they think they know me! They have no idea. But the trick is to try deal with it with a degree of grace. Or you're a bit of a tosser.

If there's one thing you could change in your life, what would it be and why? [jemster]

A bionic stainless steel spine? My back is starting to go. Or the assurance my Mum's cancer won't come back. But you can't always get what you want. The nature of desire is it produces anxiety. I have everything I need. Almost. What I don't have I don't miss. Most objects of desire are phantasmagorical for a reason, when you get them they lose their shine pretty fast. It's smarter to look at what you've actually got and what that is worth to you... and learn to value that instead. There's nothing wrong with dreams. But they are just dreams, know what I mean?

CDs... love them or hate them? [jemster]

Not bothered. Music is all that matters. The content, not the carrier. Although on a nerdy note I won't play MP3s. Only WAV or AIFF quality. Since so many places got Funktion One or equivalent quality systems, you can actually genuinely tell the difference now. A punter might not be able to describe it to you when you ask them but I can show you the difference in a club when I put on an MP3, then Vinyl. The atmosphere changes.

Perfection to you is............? [jemster]

Unattainable by its very definition. People seek all kinds of shit when they should be getting down with reality. Man. I've “possessed” what I imagined perfection to be. It's not real. Perfection is the sum of beholding an imaginary summit and when you are the top there is nothing else to see, including where you are stood.

When you're having a bad day, what do you think of that makes you smile? [jemster]

To be honest. Dreaming of brutally hurting a couple of special people I know that the expertly applied beating would be most educational for. Sometimes it's an island called Bequia which is very hard to find but I had some times in paradise there, for a bit. But if I had the capacity to make myself smile when I felt shit I'd either be a monk or on heroin. I usually go to sleep and it's gone next day, or I get on with dealing with it. If I'm having a bad day smiling doesn't happen much except in the slightly evil way I mentioned first. If I'm having a bad day it's two bottles of wine instead of one and a whole packet of fags. If don't have the mental ability to change it, I obliterate it with work and booze. Or I read the paper and see some people with real problems.

If there was one thing in the world you could change - what would it be, why and how would you change it? [IainC]

The desire in everyone to change things. The impulse to control others destroys everything. I guess there are some Eastern techniques that teach you to regard inward more and leave things alone a bit... but no-one has really worked out a way of spreading that method very well. After all, the last guy who went around telling everyone to be nice to each other was nailed to a tree... and history is spattered with the blood of the things done in his name. So I'm more of an observer and commentator. Perhaps I'd cancel the 'defense' budgets and divert it to the budgets of space exploration so I could get off this rock before it really goes to shit.

If you could choose only one of ; world peace / an end to all disease / or the fixing of our environment... which would it be? And why? [IainC]

Oh definitely fixing the environment. Because the only way to do that fully involves the previous other two to a strong degree. Of course the best way is for us all to just... leave. I mean in a “leaving a field fallow” way, not a extinction event for our species. Although.... now I mention it...

If someone could ask you a question that you'd never been asked before and also give you the answer... what would the question be? And would you know the answer already as you always seem to? [not sure where this one came from?]

You mean what would I like to be asked? Why does everyone think I have any answers and why they hell do they care? No I don't have the question or answer. As my mammy said many many times... nobody likes a clever dick Timothy. Which is ironic really because clever dicks tend to be at best labelled “outspoken” which these days feels like “lunatic” and at worst “liberal” which in my day used to be the good guys. If my mum was wrong and people DID like the clever dicks maybe there'd be less fucking morons in charge. But that's just my opinion, not an official answer. Clever people can be VERY stupid too. Look at Oppenheimer.

The question I'd like to be asked is ;
"would you like to meet a woman who understands and enjoys humour from 1950 onwards, reads a broadsheet newspaper daily, whose parents are still together and doesn't regard men as enemies to be vanquished, has the style of a woman rather than a pubescent street urchin and laughs a lot at the world without relying on you to provide the gags all the time?" and my answer would be a resounding "as long as she's got a certificate saying she's not insane, I'm in!"

Have you ever worn ladies' knickers (and enjoyed it!) [Kelvin]?

Neither. I'm somewhat broad about the beam, I couldn't get them on one leg never mind on properly. You strange boy.

What have been your biggest influences outside of music? [Hyperion]

It's your family really isn't it? It should be, if it isn't. I didn't get much musical influence. But I did get encouragement. Which is vital. I mean imagine having a young lad above your lounge hammering away on a home made drum kit!? They put up with a lot. When all the kids at my primary school dropped out one by one of the optional music lessons they had to let the teacher go. My Dad paid for him to teach me at home. Again... there is nothing more painful to the ears than a kid scraping away at a violin. But it paid off. I'm a big reader. Always have been. That is a big influence. I have everything Charles Bukowski wrote and that's a lot because he wrote every day from the age of 20 until his death at 74. I think he and Frank Zappa are the most prolific published artists. But I could be wrong. I read the papers every day and that's a big influence. To be connected to the world. I have 2 subscriptions, one to Private Eye and the other is New Scientist. I'm not in the least scientifically minded but both those publications kind of give you the truth about the world before the 'media' gets it's filthy paws on the real information. Ireland and Spain as cultures are a big influence. They taught me to relax a bit. Enjoy life. When I was much younger I had a brief dalliance with the world of violence and petty crime and I learned straight away that it just really hurts to get hit and crime doesn't pay. Both those things are infinitely glamourised in 'culture' and it really annoys me because it's done either by people who have no idea of the reality of it, or if they do they don't think about the consequences on young men. I think girls instinctively know it's all ridiculous. To be honest lately American influence really gets to me. I used to be the same as everyone and lap up anything from there. But now I'm the opposite. If you re-read Orwell's 1984 it's amazing because he was trying to satirise the Eastern Bloc but in fact it reads now like modern Western culture. Constantly under observation, a war with an invisible imaginary enemy that never ends, people afraid of each other. Working perpetually for a state that uses them as fodder and arrests and tortures dissenters and it's most popular figure of worship is called Big Brother.... sound familiar? It would be funny if it wasn't so fucking scary.

If you could go back to one day and relive it, what would it be and why? [Kelvin]

I don't think looking back is very healthy. I try to concentrate on the present. If you are happy in the present the past and future tend to take care of themselves. I have regrets but I don't think going back one day would change anything in the long run. I think life has a way of running along fine without you. I could go back and change a thing I did or said but it's usually so many different complicated factors you'd find it doesn't change much in the long run. It's better to look back and say that those things, good or bad, made you who you are and to be happy with that.

What would be your "Desert Island Discs"? [IainC]

I understand the principal but I actually watch films and read in my leisure times. 10 years ago I still used to buy records for my personal pleasure but now it's part of my job and to be honest I've not heard a single new band or tune that doesn't have an almost exact historical precedent so I kind of lost interest around the time of 'Britpop'. In fact I was interviewed in Melody Maker and asked about Oasis' claim that they were the best band in the world and I said I didn't even think they were the best Beatles tribute band in the world. I guess I've heard it all before. I'd take some books to a desert island. I could use them for fuel or even eat them at a pinch.

What would be the luxury item you'd take with you? [IainC]

I don't have any. I had a Bass guitar made of glass that I loved but it was nicked but that was the only thing I ever owned that I think would be considered luxurious. In the sense that it was an object that I didn't really use that I really liked just for what it was. I'm the sort of person who'd take a Machete or flint set as a luxury and take the whole desert island thing a bit literally. I'm the sort of person who probably would enjoy being marooned.

Tell me about a night that started out badly, but ended up being a cracker. Why was it so bad and what came about to make it so good? [Kelvin]

It was probably the night I was born. I was pretty happy in there and when I came out it was pretty bad but ended up being ok in the end. I was left with the Little Sisters of The Poor. Nuns. Then I was adopted by two cracking people and got everything a kid could ever need. Love. It's all you ever need.

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