Our favourite DJ Mr Tim Sheridan answers your questions in the run up to the monster VVVWI party at matter on 27th June..

JohnB-DSI: What's the best chat up line in the world?

"Our planet is dying and we need willing fertile humans to repopulate. Don't run. It's futile"

WoO: What's the best word in the English Dictionary?

I actually had a competition on DSI for that one years ago. I couldn't find it but made a note of some of the winners:

Flummery
Goggles
Ginnel
Spats
Flange
Guttersnipe
Truncheon
Wobble
Quagmire
Flabbergasted
Hung
Mollusc
Plump
Cobble
Skullduggery
Grub
Nugget
Obelisk
Plankton
Festoon
Balloon
Futtock
Goblet
Toboggan
Shrub
Aplomb
Globe
Poke
Poppycock
Gusset
Trouser
Sledge
Pandemonium
Abominable
Flibbertigibbet
Plop
Strumpet
Squirrel
Bung
Frugal
Smorgasbord
Globule
Recumbent
Twit
Finger
Undulate
Fop
Quibble
Thistle
Strudel
Plinth Sift
Nub
Discombobulate
Codswallop
Hubbub
Snorkel
Bob
Flummoxed
Spasm
Gymnasium
Vortex

I was at an afters only last week and said "discombobulate" and there was NO convincing this kid it was an actual word. Perhaps because all mobile phones and computers are American and basically have the vocabulary size of a small dog he still wasn't having it cos his phone spelling thing wouldn't do it. I hate that thing when someone looks at you like you are a moron because you use a word they don't understand. What is it with that? It happened in America once. I once said something like "radiant" and this woman goes "why use that word?". WHY!? priceless. As if I was doing it to piss her off. It was like the kid at the afterparty. He was convinced I was winding him up. I found the whole thing terribly discombobulating frankly.

My personal fave is Flibbertigibbet. Don't say it with a mouthful of crisps though.

Paul Gardner: What was it like playing for Manchester United in the 1998-99 season, and winning the treble?

Tiring. Emotional. Draining. Soul-destroying. I prefer playing records to be honest.

thedigitalfreak-BBB: if you have a wank while eating wotsits, does your dick go orange?

My boy you are assuming that A. I have fired my fluffer and B. My Valet is too busy to feed me my Wotsits. Both of which are clearly preposterous you silly sausage. I am as devoted to my staff as they are to me. After all, wot's a wotsit between friends? Or rather between stern employer and employee to be precise. Never ASSUME. You make an ASS out of U and ME both.
Next!

bignuts: who was ur favourite smurf?

Papa doesn't like favouritism amongst his offspring. It promotes dissent in the ranks and after all.... there is only one girl. So discipline is vital. Papa is a close personal friend so I wouldn't want to speak out of turn it's hard enough for him as it is.

AAAAAAAAAnts: If you could say 8 words to a young Adolf Hitler, what you you say?

Your paintings show great promise, here's a scholarship.

JET-BOY: Is ken dodds dads dog dead?

I'm sorry, in the preposterous absence of apostrophes I don't understand that at all. I do believe you've invented a new tense Harvey. Past-future-morbid-infinitive.

WoO: Do you wipe sitting down or standing up?

Well without the aid of a mirror on a stick and a victorian urchin chimney sweep it would make my wiper's job a lot harder sitting down wouldn't you say? You simply HAVE to respect your staff. What am I? Maria Carey or something? The very thought! I'm not a monster you know.

JohnB-DSI: grey or yellow?

In the case of guineafoul I'd always plump for yellow. With Mustard a good French Grey-Poupon is FAR superior to what the English amusingly title their garnish. In the case of gangrene, yellow means chop the blighter off at the knee.... Carruthers may still keep his toes if it's grey.

Owain-DSI: Would you rather shag Sophie Anderton or have a threesome with the Cheeky girls??

I think I'd need to be correctly introduced before attempting a nostalgic swinging sixties dance with a lady. I'm sure in the latter case some form of rehearsal would be required to get the correct choreography with 4 participants. I've never heard of any of these persons but I am sure they are all perfectly charming.

Wub: Can music solve the world's problems, and if so what one song would best sum things up?

Don't be an idiot boy. Diverting ALL military expenditure to humanitarian research and management, proportional representation in every parliament, enforced authoritarian-style schooling and compulsory Atheism are the globe's only salvation. Music can't even cure a cold lad!

jimbohotpants: brown or pink?

Snooker or Hotpants James? do be more clear would you.

ET666: If it was all just an alien experiment then would reality be an illusion?

If it was given a question mark then it might get an answer. Or would it?? mmmm? think about it. Yeah.
Read Guy DeBord's "Society of The Spectacle". That should answer your question and twist your melons right off.

TheWrongun: If JohnB asks you to have sex with him, would the answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Most circular arguments can be made into equations. For example : "The following sentence is entirely false. The preceding sentence is entirely true."... can also be represented as X2 + Y2 = Z2
In the sense that it is a paradox and has no answer. It's all about Godel and his mathematical obsessions. Or Schrodinger who was a bit less serious about it all. You are using implicitly self-referential questions like "this sentence contains five words" or "this sentence I am now writing is the one you are reading." Your Jedi mind tricks won't work on me boy.
I would posit in return the question : don't you think as an internet mogul John gets enough willing and desperate DJ arse as it is? The man is insatiable, clearly.

DannyTheStokeLad: Is Lou Flava really a prostitute? Does Emzy-Jane ever leave the house? Will Stace ever realise she has learning difficulties? Did Beth really have cancer? Ever tried Chrissy GYBO's 15 minute service? Is chicca babe cheating on her step dad/husband with wub?

I come in peace. Your planet is lovely and it's language so colourful and wonderfully incomprehensible. Take me to your dealer.

So many questions, so few answers.

In your case I am definitely inclined to agree Danny.

IainC: What do you think about the delay in funding eco-friendly cars until 2011 (and the exclusion of things such as the G-Wiz even then).

I spent a long time trying to help G-Wiz get off the ground. I don't think they quite understood the value of a good PR company so early on (about 8 years ago). So much so in fact that they asked me to do it. Which is like asking Maria Carey to endorse walking.

Here is the evidence:

I told them I would do my best and I did. I believe very much in the electric car. So much so I got a load of audio companies to pimp one up with a mobile DJ set up in the back (see pic) and take it to Ibiza. You could drive up anywhere and have a rave. Which was ace except it only went about 30 km and the massive sound system drained it even more. I only had it 2 weeks in Ibiza and it's famous shit caminos shattered the back axle. My point is though that doing all that without a PR company to report on it is pointless. But would they listen? Noooooo!

Did you know about that Iain BTW? was that a loaded question? cos it's not very well known. Mainly due to their refusal to engage a PR company I imagine ;)

Mandy-Looo: Who do you want to win this year's Big Brother and why?

Never-seen-it-don't-care. I recommend re-reading "1984" by George Orwell though. He imagined a future where we were constantly observed, at war constantly with an invisible and possibly imaginary enemy and the people were controlled by fear. The most popular thing people loved was called Big Brother who watched everything through cameras. People were petrified of their own children. Sound familiar? He was talking about Russia really. Read it now and it seems a hell of a lot more like America and Britain. Try it. Chilling.

Blue-Jim: Tim have you ever sat in a swivel office chair munching on fetta cheese whilst being straddled by someone that looks like something out of gremlins whilst having your moustache twisted to poirot proprotions?

Hasn't everyone? You have to multitask while observing the security monitors in your command centre, it's so boring otherwise.

The Wrongun: Dear Tim, did you remember that one faithful morning at SeOne, where you were so smashed that you couldn't mix and had to put records on one at a time after they have finished? I would like to know what you got up to beforehand.

Has is not occurred to you that one of the decks was broken?

Jet-Boy: Have you ever tried to mix in a slipmat?

No, but I've done it in a Roman General's outfit. I was outside Turnmills chatting with security with it on and this kid comes up and goes "why are you dressed like that mate? what sort of party is it?"
So I said ; "Oh we're having a Romans only party."
So he goes : "What? no straight people like?"
So I said : "No. I mean Romans ONLY. No Carthaginians, no Visigoths, no Greeks, Spartans or Persian Hordes. STRICTLY no Gauls. No Phoenicians, no Mongols rampaging across the steppes of asia....

He'd walked off half way through that.... the bouncers were laughing though. For once.

(there are DSI pics available. I take the music very seriously but what's not to like about a proper bit of leather armour?)

tangy-tom-boogaloo: Tim, whilst you are sleeping, does your techno 'tache run around fighting crime? Or does it run amok causing havoc to the general public?

I resent "techno 'tache" seeing as A. I don't have one at the moment and B. I've been sporting them since about 1986 but yes.... it does run around fighting crime. Because I lend it to Magnum. It's funny 'cos people really do think DJs have fuck-all to do in the week. As if we have a sort of Magnum lifestyle..... poncing about in a 'tache in a loud shirt in a borrowed lambourghini solving crimes cos we are bored... maybe having a ride in a chopper for shits and giggles. But we don't. Although I do have a "Higgins" and a Doberman.

BIG-D: Why can you still taste Jägermeister after brushing your teeth twice?

May I humbly suggest rinsing with mouthwash instead of booze perhaps mate? Bit of a tip. Never walk half asleep into a bathroom with the lights out and try brush your teeth. A tube of Anusol feels just like a tube of toothpaste in the dark. A low point for me that one.

Jason-DSI: 1. Could you play some garage? 2. Scrunch or fold? 3. What is the most outrageous thing you'd do for £1,000,000?

1. Not any old Garage. It would have to be a nice one that holds enough punters.
2. That is a question for my tailor or valet.
3. Give it away. I think that would outrage people more than anything these days.

Dr-Beatz: If I gave you £10,000, what would you spend it on and why?

I actually got that on NYE at the Millennium. I was a bit uncomfortable with it so I asked if I could put half behind the bar for the punters. The answer was NO (this was Home, this was Darren Hughes.). My agent also threatened to leave if I did. I took my 2 best mates to Barbados instead and spunked it all in a week. It was fucking brilliant. My accountant killed himself with a blunt calculator shortly after.

IainC: Have you got any Steps?

The best DJ request you get is the eternal classic "Have you got anything good?". There a world of implication in there. "No love. Just shit. Soz".

WoO : Are you a Farbissener?

Oy! to be be without bitterness would be like a sandwich with no baloney. My best friend is a dog, my son is a total bum and you talk about bitterness? I should be happy? Am I a comedian here?

Daddy-P1: Why did you never call me...You said that you loved me..

Liked. I said I "Liked" you forever. Clothears.

tangy-tom-boogaloo: Is there anywhere in the world you haven't djed/thrown a party that you would like to and why?

The Houses of Parliament. Great acoustics.

returnofthe: would you shag jodie marsh now that shes hench?

No idea again. Do you work for Heat Magazine or something?

ScarletBEX: 1. As a DJ you must constantly be setting yourself new goals and things to aim for. 2. To date, what has been the most memorable thing you have achieved and what goals are you setting yourself for the near future?

1. No. It's just playing records. Most of my goals involve hiking. Seriously. I ramble like a bastard midweek with the dog. 100% true.

2. Most memorable thing was being the musical director for a series of concerts at The Royal Festival Hall many years ago. It was an Avant Garde piece by a composer called Rhys Chatham and involved an orchestra of 101 electric guitars. I had to not only find 98 guitarists.... we could not pay them, they had to read music and they had to cover their own expenses. I had to audition about 200. They were then split into Tenor, Alto and Soprano sections and each were de-tuned to a particular mode. Then we had to rehearse them and put on the shows. It was a truly amazing piece of music despite what you might think and one of the hardest, properest things I had to do ever. Just remembering all their names and moving them all around was epic.

On opening night the composer got me up on stage after and I was proper filling up cos it was one of those things where about half way through you think "I can't do this... I am WAY out of my depth". But we did it. Also each section had a 'lead' guitarist who was a pro. They were international stars of guitars. One night I had to take them to a Jazz club for a "Jam" and they asked me to play the drums and again.... I was WAY out of my depth but it was amazing. I think when you try something mentally difficult and it comes off, the feeling of achievement stays forever. Conversely you can almost embarrass yourself to death! but fear of that stops you trying, so I guess you have to have a go innit.

My future goals involve staying alive mostly.

Stefano-Criminali: Who in the scenes head would you like to flush down the toilet and why??

I'll be uncharacteristically diplomatic here and say there are many.... but you have found a few right there in your question.

JohnB-DSI: what's the greatest venue in the world?

I'll try to make a deliberate distinction here as there is are so many factors. When things like DJ mag ask DJs to vote for the best venue what do you do? Do you remove all the punters in your head and get out a tape measure? In terms of sheer brilliance most of the Ibiza club win because A. They've been at it a lot longer than anyone else and B. It's Ibiza. But take the exact same thing and move it somewhere else and it is nothing.... just a brand.

I hate saying 'brand'. I feel I need a wash everytime I say it. Back to Basics is one of the best clubs in the world but it moves venues all the time. So really it is all about the crowd. But for sheer brilliance of construction you are talking Ministry... sorry but it is simply an amazing system and layout even if it is copied directly from New York. Fabric is unrivaled and better because it is unique.... because ultimately a DJ designed it.

Keith Reilly is, after all the business... a DJ. So therfore Matter is apparently the refinement of the Fabric construction theory so to wind this up I have to say I am well happy to be in Matter on that basis. A well thought out and designed club and system from Fabric. All we have to do is fill it with great music and for you lot to come. I am counting on seeing some old faces from the NDSM days. It feels good to be back in a big London club it really does. I'm going to cry now ;)

Dan-cat : Darling Timmy, Have you ever been on Ilkley Moor ba' tat?

Loaded question. Every day. I'm an outdoors man. Even looking at me makes you grow a beard, even the girls. Cut me and I bleed moss.

look :

Sincere thanks to all who participated.

I love you all long time
tim