Turnmills London is crap. Avoid! Avoid! Avoid! This is a comprehensive Turnmills London review.

I don't often vent my frustration; I usually put a bad experience down as just that... a 'bad experience'. But in this case, I feel so strongly of my recent bad experience, I want to write this Turnmills London review to help you make an educated choice about choosing a crap venue such as Turnmills London, so you and others like you don't waste your time money and Friday / Saturday / Sundays at one of the most appalling clubs in London. Of course, like any form of entertainment, it's somewhat subjective, so naturally there will be some people that enjoy Turnmills and my opinions are not set forth to disrespect the thoughts and opinion of others but are merely a true expression of what I feel about Turnmills.

If you don't have time to read this review simply scroll to the bottom of the page, to read the 'Summary'.

First of all the good points about Turnmills London and yes, there are a few.

BARS AND BAR STAFF
There are a number of small bars dotted around the club. I don't drink so this isn't so important to me, but for all you boozers you'll be pleased at not only the fast service but also the bar staffs respect to you as a customer. I don't take drugs either, I'm in the minority where I attend clubs for the music to dance and have a good time. Some staff are reluctant to hand out plastic glasses to fill with tap water should you get parched as of course they'd much to prefer to sell you bottled water.

AIR CONDITIONING
Turnmills London has a reasonably good air conditioning system. I don't smoke either, and for other non-smoking dancers you'll be pleased to know the air con manages to 'de-stifle' the smokey atmosphere and whilst you'll leave with your clothes stinking of smoke, you can rest assured that your lungs might hold out.

SECRUITY
Security guys and gals (not to be confused with bouncers) are lovely. Very respectful, smiley and very helpful.

CLOAKROOM
Staff working the cloakroom are very nice. Responsive and respectful. Isn't it interesting that the staff within the club seem to be the clubs best assets?

WATER
There's a sink in the cloakroom which is well maintained and enables you to either wash your face, or take advantage of the free flowing water.

CLEANLINESS
Turnmills is very clean. Toilets are well maintained and there's usually plenty of toilet roll. Glasses and bottles are picked up very very quickly.

SEATING
Very ample seating around Turnmills and some of it exceptionally comfy, especially the soft leather couches. Very nice.

LINE UPS
They 'somehow' manage to secure some of the most sort-after acts; off the top of my head, Bob Sinclair who's a resident, shame, such a waste (hopefully Bob will see the light and move to a more respectable club when his contract is up). Armin Van Burren, Mauro Picotto, Gabriel & Dresden! You see, for me anyway, these are DJs that I respect and I don't have a choice seeing them anywhere else unless I go abroad. But since my bad experience, I'd rather sacrifice not seeing them and hope that Turnmills London will seriously start to address the negative issues, so in the future I can 'consider' returning, which leads me nicely to ...

Bad points about Turnmills London and what makes Turnmills London crap

BOUNCERS
Now, this isn't applicable to all bouncers. In fact, I spoke to a really nice bouncer for a while - one of the nicest bouncers I've actually ever spoken to, I won't mention his name for fear of embarrassing him, but if you're reading this and I mention 'Mars chocolate drink' maybe you remember me :). However without sounding rude or offensive some of bouncers peoples skills are very poor. I certainly respect that they must deal with some 'right characters' and have this hardened edged profile, but never the less, treat individuals exactly as that. Individual.

I recommend:
Ensure bouncers have decent people skills - ability to talk to people at all levels should be a prerequisite.

SPACE
There are three dance floors. One at the front, which is tiny, if 30-50 people start waving their hands and sticking out their elbows it gets a bit cramped. There's the main dance floor, which again whilst bigger than the dance floor at the front it's tiny compared to some of the proper clubs in London e.g. Fabric! (those guys know how to run a club!) and The End (Very very good!) the main dance floor is also segregated by some strange arch partition. Then finally there's the third dance floor right out the back, it's an okay size and then there's a massive drinking / sit down area. No, no, no, use the space so dance floors aren't so packed!

I recommend:
Employ a decent architect and re-plan space.
Employ a Feng shui practitioner.

DECORATION
Oh my goodness! Talk about being stuck in the 80s. Is it supposed to be retro? I doubt it, 'retro' is usually cool but this is so un-cool, so unfashionable, so ugly it beggars belief and what's with the arcade machines and the broken pinball tables? I question, "Is Turnmills London a respected dance club or a youth club?"

I recommend:
An interior decorator / designer.

CORRIDOORS.
It's like a rabbits warren and it gives the 'illusion' that the place is bigger than it actually is.

I recommend:
An architect to create extensive spaces that aren't confusing to even non-intoxicated customers :-D

SOUND SYSTEM(S)
Now, for me a good sound system is very important. When you're pay £15/£20.00 you expect quality all round, starting with the sound system. Well forget it. It's so bad. It's loud but it's just that. Loud. DJs drive it too hard, so there's distortion, and despite there being approx. 8-16 tweeters in the main room speakers it can't handle treble, or rather when
the speakers are thrashing out frequencies around 8-12Khz (i.e. hi-hat type of sounds) they really hurt your ears during sustained listening periods - very uncomfortable. What's worse they don't provide any ear plugs to take the edge off (like 'The End' for example), so unless you've remembered to bring your own, you have to resort to using stuffed toilet paper in your ears - and yes I did this (for the short time that I was there) and of course it looked so-bad.

I recommend:
Either purchase a new sound system, calibrate the existing one / and or introduce a limiter so DJs can't push beyond the boundaries of what the system is actually capable of.

ATMOSPHERE
What atmosphere? Seriously! And there's probably the strangest collection of people you'll ever likely to meet which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it is when it's 'attitude this', 'attitude that'.

I recommend:
Tricky one, but being more selective on the type of person you allow in may help.

So to conclude this somewhat exhaustive review, you could argue, Turnmills London deserves more than one star, but I don't believe it does. A club is about the music, the atmosphere, the dance floor.

SUMMARY
The sound system can't deliver the music comfortably, the atmosphere was full of attitude, the dance floor(s) were just plain awkward. How much would I expect to pay to enter a club of this caliber, maybe nothing, maybe at a push £3.00. Turnmills London only gets away with charging extortionate rates by introducing some (as mentioned in my positive points) sort-after DJs - but that, in my opinion is not enough for me to have to dig into my pocket. Even if Turnmills offered me free a lifetime membership with free access to the club, I would decline their offer ... Thanks, but, I'm simply not that desperate for bad entertainment.

Thanks for reading and I wish you a great clubbing experience!

Well I guess everybody can have an opinion..I guess you don't go again..

I for one will sing the praises of Turnmills. And I also have a group of 20 mates who go almost every week.

The atmosphere in the club is very friendly and it offers one of the best line ups money can buy.

I suggest people go and see for themselves..

mmm, your review there will raise a few eyebrows im sure but you do raise some valid points. i agree on the fact that the place is a bit small. i know quite a few people like the smaller, more 'intimate' surroundings which turnmills provides but sometimes i really do wish there was more room! as you mentioned fabric. as good as gallery nights are (with unrivalled line-ups most friday nights) it sometimes gets way too busy for its own good. Paul van Dyk on march 10th was ridiculously crowded and elbows in my back constantly - you just couldnt get into it. the wall on the dj box is a bit high as well, for those who actually want to see the dj may find it a bit hard from a distance.

as for the bouncers i cant say ive ever had a bad experience from them personally but yes, the way they are with people at the front of the queue, they are very stern and come across as quite moody especially the guy at the cash only entrance this friday just fone, some foreign bloke who couldnt force a smile even if he tried.

one thing i would disagree with you majorly on is the atomosphere. gallery nights attract some of the best crowds around, all very friendly and are there mainly for the good music or the star dj playing but you will always get the odd moody ones anywhere you go really. one thing that pisses me off is that people that refuse to move when you;re coming off the dancefloor, not all but some. and another are the people who believe that going right through the centre of the dancefloor to get to another room - ever heard of going round the side? ah well some routes cant be helped.

but with all your suggestions guy-spiritual, i doubt many will be realised since turnmills has been (for a long time) one of the top venues in london and the number of clubbers doesnt seem to be in decline. on top of that, the lineups will keep drawing them in including myself. but it would be nice to have another, slightly larger venue hosting the big dj's as well. canvas does it quite well yet fabric, as good as can be, goes more for techno/breakbeat and d & b and less trance. although one venue you will probably like (and is my personal favourite) is Ehe Emporium up in leicester - Passion nights are quality and all the space in the world.

a good read none the less and you do raise some interesting points, and you've got the 'good points' of turnmills spot on. its just a shame that you didnt have that great a time on your last outing - will let you know if the floor plan changes!

have a better one mate.

p.s will be extremely interested to see what the Gallery Regulars have to say about this one, you are only stating a respectful opinion, hopefully the others can!

turnmills in the best place in london by far and i go nearly every friday.